The Real Reason Why Episodes Come Out When They Do
by noonecanknowwhoiam
Summary: The Something Witty Entertainment Crew, Project Mouthwash, Schmuck Squad, and various others meet up at Anime Boston, and everything was normal… until things weren't. Includes Sonic, Nick Cage, DBZ, Inuyasha, Naruto, SAO, and a heapin' helping of other people, both real and anime. 18 only, unless you're three kids in a trench coat, then you're cool.
1. Chapter 1: Anime Boston Was Totally Nor

Chapter 1: Anime Boston Was Totally Normal, Until The Allens Ruined It

It wuz a normal day at Anime Boston, and there were only 7 accounts of prostitution, so it was kinda lamer than normal. The SWE gang, consisting of Izzy, Carrie, Mack, and Anthony, were wandering about the halls, watching the arrests go down.

Izzy spoke up first "Man, I can't believe that a Companion Cube cosplayer was actually a pimp. The name is so innocent" he said as he watched the cops pepper spray the cube and then drag it off.

"Really, Izzy? COMPANION Cube? As in, 'I can get you company for the night' cube?" Anthony jabbed Izzy in the ribs with his elbow, grinning at his joek.

"If it were something typical, like a kangaroo cosplayer, it'd be boring!" Carrie added, before someone ran up behind them, rolling a nat20 on athletics and stealth, so they wurn't seened or herd by the groop.

"HAHA! As long as you're around, Carrie, my luck will never run out!" Buddy shouted as he showed off his winnings from competitive D&D. What that is, is beyond everyone, but somehow Buddy won a cooperative game in a competitive setting.

"Competitive D&D involves a race to kill a dragon in a dungeon, all while rolling to sabotage your fellow players. It's very strategic, as killing your team could end up with you unable to kill the dargon and lose by default, but if u leave too many alive, they could all team up and end u before u know it" Coffinjockey, who had just appeared from teh shadows, explained, before just kinda… vanishing from existence. It was weird, but nothing new to the gang.

"FUCK YOU, BUDDY! I COULD ROLL WELL IF YOU WERE NOT HERE OR MAYBE DED! But not reall ded cuz then I couldn't rub it in ur face!" Carrie gave Buddy the double bird as hard as she could.

"Well, maybe if you didn't SUCK SO BAD, you'd roll better!" Buddy tried to start a fight, but Mack stepped in, having heard a fabulous sound.

"Wait! Do you hear that? It sounds… excellent- nay, it sounds, fantastic. No, something even better than that. It's…!" Mack then just starred at the sight and sound he was beholding. It was…

 _GLORIOUS! NO I WON'T GIVE IN, I WON'T GIVE IN 'TILL I'M VICTORIOUS! AND I WILL DEFEND I WILL DEFEND!_

Eagle8Burger had entered the hallway, being pulled in on a chariot made of solid gold. He was wearing a rather sexy and revealing red sparkling dress, and a crown befitting a king.

"Well now, what do we have here? A gathering of friends? Well then, it's time…" Eagle then reached into his dress and pulled out a 6 pack of beer, ice cold despite having been in his dress. He passed out a beer to each of his comrades, before cracking one open. "To crack open a cold one with the boys" He then downed the beer in an instant, causing a golden glow to emit from his body.

"Oh damn Eagle, I'd say that you just gave that beer… a glowing review!" Mack made a pun and everyone laughed because IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY, DAMMIT! Then, just after the groaning laughter stopped, a shadowy figure approached from behind Eagle's glowing body.

"Ah-ha! Logan exclaimed as he appeared from the shadows! He then pointed a finger at everyone. You dare crack open a cold one with the boys without inviting me?! He accused the gang as he shifted his finger between everyone, to give the full party a rightful dose of shame. Well, too bad! Now I'll never tell you if you have a hat on your head, Izzy! Logan threatened, before crossing his arms in a huff."

"OOOOOOOOOH DAMN SON, HE MAD!" Anthony whooped as only a Bostonian could.

"Logan, please, don't be unreasonable. Here, I actually bought a 7-pack of beer. I was saving it for you" Eagle tossed Logan the beer, which was just as ice cold as the others.

"Well then, I guess I can forgive you. For now. Logan said all tsundere like before he cracked open the cold one with the boys. The sound was deafening, and it was even audible in space, where no one can hear you scream. But you can hear if someone cracks open a cold one with the boys. I hope that doesn't do anything unwanted... Logan mused as he downed the frosty beverage."

Just as Logan got done dictating literally everything he did and the results of his actions, there was a commotion comming from the windows of the hall. Outside, people were screaming in terror.

"RUN, RUN! THE ALLENS ARE INVADING!" a number of people shreked as the Allen Mothership ap peared in the sky, unleashing wave upon wave of allens into Boston where everyone was.

"Guys, I think this is serus, you all remember what happened last time when the allens invaded, right?" Carrie asked, and everyone shook their head 'no'. "Well, shit. I was hoping you'd remember, cuz I shure ass fuck don't."

"Um, guys, is the sky supposed to be cracking up like a window that I totally didn't hit when I was 14?" Anthony asked as he pointed to the sky, which was cracking up like that window Anthony totally hit when he was 14.

Purpleeyeswft then showed up, out of the wall like the motherfuking koolaids man. "Ah, I've seen this before. The Sky's son stepped on a crack, and it broke its mother's back. Which is why we're seeing this crack right here. That's the back of the sky, and when the sky's back breaks… you better hold onto your butts, people" Purps explained expertly, he's seen this happen 3 times before.

The sky then tore open, revealing TV static that sucked up teh entyre universe! And also Boston, which had existed in a time-space bubble. Hence why Anime Boston was happening now, and not later. Or sooner. Or not at this exact time, unless it is.

Everyone then blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2: One Question, just one WHY!

Chapter 2: One question, just one. WHY?!

The Project Schmuck Entertainment party, feat. Purpleeyeswtf, woke up to see Boston looking the same as when they woke up that morning. With the small difference of everything being on fire and destroyed. And it was no longer anime boston time, it was… apparently it was May 5, 1999. Which suddenly explained why everything was destroyed and on fire, Y2K phobia was in full swing.

"Fuk, it feels like I've been out cold for negative X years" Mack mumbled as he rolled over to put the fire next to him on snooze, but instead put it out. "Well then, guess it's time to get up."

"About time you got up, sleeping beauty! It's 1999, everything is on fire, Allens have invaded, and boybands are trying to take over the world! It's utter hell on earth!" Anthony shouted as he pulled Mack to his feet. "Alright, let's get da fuq outta here!"

Carrie agreed. "Yeah, we don't wanna get arrested for trespassing, property damage, or creating a temporal anomaly!" Carrie said, worried about what would happen if she were arrested. Would she go to Bostonian jail or would she get sent back across the Atlantic?

"THAT'S what you're worried about?! Christ guys, we need to MOVE!" Izzy screamed as the fire got closer to them all sneaky like because it was wearing a ski mask.

Everyone piled into Eagle's chariot, and as the wheels started turning, a tune started to play, quietly at first, but then louder and louder.

 _GLORIOUS! NO I WON'T GIVE IN, I WON'T GIVE IN 'TILL I'M VICTORIOUS! AND I WILL DEFEND I WILL DEFEND!_ (Etc, etc.)

Soon, everyone was out in the street, and Eagle's magical golden chariot disappeared in a cloud of bats, and the bats started attacking some people up ahead, oh no!

Buddy rolled into action, summersaulting into the bat swarm to save those who had been attacked. "Back off, you bats! Or I'm going to schmuck you up!" he shrieked in the manliest way possible. But, during the commotion, Eagle had managed to sneak up behind him and put a frilly pink dress on him, because a matching dress would NOT do. And everyone took out their kodak cameras, since their cell phones had magically transformed into beepers and kodak cameras, and took pictures of buddy before throwing rtheir cameras at him.

"Get these developed or you're fired!" Mack shouted, not caring for the fact that buddy didn't work for them in teh first place.

"FUCK YOU I'M IN BATS!" Buddy cried out as he batted away the bats with a bat made of bats. The bats eventually cleared up, and the two people Buddy had saved gave them their hands. "Wait what the fuck?!" Buddy jumped back in confusion as Kirito ans Asuna were there to help him up.

"Hi, I'm Kirito, you may kno me from such things as Kirito, the savior of like, ten people, hacker extraordinaire, and totally not bland generic character. Everyone loves me because I'm such a well thought out, layered character, who has a deep and dark troubled past. And this is my waifu, Asuna" Kirito from SAO sed. He still had on all his SAO gear, which was weird, but somehow less of a plot hole than the series he hails from is known for.

"Hi. I'm Asuna. I married a main character. It's alright. Sex is trash, though. He tried fucking me with a dinner plate and tried to tell me it was his dick, but I put up with it to be considered a main main character, and not a side main character. I mean, uh, I LOVE THIS MAN! HE IS OF THE NOT TOO BAD AND CAN DO GREAT AT EVERYTHING HE DO, LIKE ME! HE DO ME GOOD!" Asuna really layed on the fayk enthusiasm, and Kirito ate it up.

"Wait, so you're the REAL Kirito and Asuna? Not some cosplayers? Then why are you speaking english, and not japanese, or weabooanese?" Anthony asked, face showing pure shock.

"Um, what the fuck is a caz-plea? And obviously I've taught myself all languages of the world, including dolphin, perfectly, and everyone I've taught has also learned perfectly. But I'm still such a flawed, troubled character, who happens to have bigger numbers than anyone else" Kiriot asplained, before an eraser hit him square in the face.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR GARY STU BULLSHIT!" Izzy shouted in anguish, and watched as the eraser slid down Kirito's face. And… Kirito's nose was gone! Instead, there was just a blank, white space!

"OH FUCK NOT AGAIN! NO, I'M NOT GONNA DISAPPEAR LIKE THIS! COME AT ME, I'LL KILL YOU ALL, YOU BASTARDS! YOU THINK I'M SOME SORT OF A JOKE?! WELL, WHO'SE LAFFING NOW?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE!" Kirito went off screaming into the sky before a piece of concrete fell and skwished him liek a bug, and he wuz DED!

"Oh no Kirito whatever will I- he dead? Good. Hey, any of you see any other main characters, or at least people who are side main characters? I don't care who, I just want an actual good time, and not have to worry about being demoted" Asuna said as she looked around for main characters from other anime, but found none. "Ah, fuck it, I'll go find someone from a good anime, like Death Note. Or maybe even that fuck's sister, she's got enough fans for some reason. Later, bitches" Asuna then disappeared into a sewer drain, like a TMNT Ninja Turtle from TMNT.

"So… Izzy, you just killed a bitch. How do you feel?" Eagle asked as he flexed in his sparkling red dress.

"Like a million god-damned bucks. Now let's get going, that was too weird" Izzy said, trying to shake the events from his mind. "So, how are we gonna deal with the Allens? Go up and give the mother ship a cunt-punt, to stop any more from being delivered?"

"We could do that, or we could go to that shining beacon of hope and use that to send the Allens into a spiral of darkness and dispaire!" Mack exclaimed excitedly as everyone ran over to the beacon he saw. Except it wasn't a beacon. It was a bacon. And not even real bacon, it was fucking canadian bacon, which is just ham that has a real sense of inflated worth. I mean, it's not even remotely similar to bacon, just because it comes from a pig doesn't mean it's bacon, GAWD! That'd be like calling a chicken's liver 'chicken wings' just because they both come from a chicken.

"What do we do? It's so… beautiful" Carrie stared on in awe.

"You see, this bacon here is the last thing holding this odd timeline together. If it is removed, then things will get rather screwy. Like people actually LIKING Vegemite, and not just as a prank, bro" Purps explained to the crew, but when he looked back, the bacon was gone. "Wha? NANI?! Who took the bacon?!" Everyone looked around, and saw Logan had grease all over his mouth.

"Logan swallowed nervously before he addressed his friends. I may or may not have had 2/3s of a BLT in my pocket, and that bacon may or may not have been the missing ingredient, and I may or may not have just eaten it. Logan shifted his eyes back and forth shadily. Just then, his stomach began to glow, and everyone readied themselves for something terrible to happen. And then…! Logan belched. *BRAAAAAAAP*"

"For fucks sake Logan, don't scare us like that!" Buddy shouted before Purps tackled everyone to the ground.

"IT'S STARTING! IT'S THE BELCH THAT WILL CHANGE TEH WORLD FOREVER!" Purps buried his head in the rubble as Smash Mouth's smash hit 'All-star' started blaring from the heavens, and Shrek came down and peeled a layer off the universe like it was an onion. He then ate the uni-onion, and things were dark for a long time. Then they were smelly. Then everyone passed out right as a light started opening up and clowns started running after whales in Kentucky, a signal for the new wordl they were going to enter.


	3. It's Not Murder if you Shout SURPRISE!

Chapter 3: It's Not Murder if you Shout "SURPRISE" Before you Stab!

Carrie woke up, only to find herself, Izzy, Mack, and Anthony laying outside of a large mansion in a sunny, summer-eque environment. There were burds chirping, bugs bugging, and there was a beautiful Tim Curry in teh sky, just staring down on the world in an uncaring manner.

"Guys, get up!" Carrie shook the others to wake them up. While Izzy and Mack may have woken up frim her shakin, Anthony didn't, so she climbed up a pillar and gave him THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW right into his gut, and he wok up after that.

"Oh fuck ow that hurt! Bitch…" Anthony rubbed his aching tummy before looking around. "How long was I out for? Were WE out for?"

"Well, let's see…" Mack started judging the time. "According to the position of the Tim Curry, it's probably about 2:37pm and 41 seconds. Pretty early in the day, honestly."

"Well, fuck, let's go get some breakfast from this chucklefuck in the mansion!" Carrie then ran up to the door and kicked it in like a badass. But then it hit her, since it was a revolving door.

"Ah, good! The backup has arrived, jolly good show" an elderly butler, with a stereotypical british accent and typical butler attire, greeted Carrie and co. as they entered the manshun.

"Backup? No no no, BREAKFAST, That's why we're hear" Mack explained.

"Breakfast cannot be served until the MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-murdach! Has been soldved. Come this way, the investigator is waiting for you" the butler led everyone into the den, where a man in sherlock holmes (from the esrly 1900s) style investigator clothes was standing.

"About FOOKIN' time you guys got here! For FOOK's sake, man, I've been staring at this dead bastart for a good FIVE FOOKIN' minutes, mate!" the man turned around, and revealed himself to be FOOKIN' XtheDarkOne!

"FUCKIN' X! I didn't know you were a detective!" Mack greeted his pal with a slap on the shoulder.

"That's DETECTIVE FOOKIN' X to you! And of-FOOKIN'-course Imma detective, I got my license from a box of cereal, that I did. Think I was gonna just leave it alone like some dumb bastard? No FOOKIN' way! Anyways, you know this dead cunt ove'er?" X pointed at the corpse, which everyone recognized immediately.

"That's… Is that Buddy? Yup, that's buddy alright. I always knew that's how he would die: In the transition from our world to another via getting shat out an interdimensional ogre's ass" Carrie sighed as she looked at Buddy's corpse, which still had his D20 in hand. In his chest was a gun, buried up to the hammer.

"By the way I see it, he was stabbed to death with that there gun, right? But the question is, by WHO? It wasn't me, I was too busy taking a massive shit when it happened. I thought he was just screaming about the smell, on account of all them beans I's been eating, right?" X proudly stated his innocence.

"Well, then… who COULD it have been?" Izzy asked, looking to solve his friend's murder.

"Well, let's see here. We got that one edgy lookin' guy, I mean he's a real edgelord, through and through. Then there's that one guy that hates clothes and such, he's a good drinking buddy. Then there's the bird with the red hair and bored attitude, she's got a motive. Also could be that one gal that's always in fur coats like it's goddam winter in bloody Russia! Oh, I guess it could also be the butler, but c'mon, m8, that's too easy, it is" X listed the 5 potential killers. "Place is locked down, so they'll not be able to leave until later then. Should be easy to find them, just follow their theme music."

"Well, could you, maybe, come with us while we ask them things? I mean, you've got a gun, right? We don't. Unless you want to give us some guns…" Anthony asked.

"Fine, fine, fookin' pussies, I'll go with the lot of ya. But'cha better split up, cover more ground that way. Plus, I'm union, can't be doing too much, otherwise I'm in right deep shit" X begrudgedly went with Izzy and Carrie to talk to edgelord mcbadchildhood, while Mack and Anthony went off to speak with the nudist and the human icicle.

As Carrie, Izzy, and Detective FOOKIN' X went down the halls, Izzy heard something familiar. Something he had heard an ungodly amount of times before now, a specific theme song. Something that made him almost want to commit murder. They reached the room, and barged in to find Kirito and Asuna having a fight.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE, I DON'T LOVE YOU THAT MUCH! SO NO, I REFUSE!" Kirito shouted before noticing the three enter the room. "Oh, fuck, sorry. Just… ever have one of those things that… nevermind. So, what can I do for you?"

"What the fuck…?" Izzy mumbled in shock at seeing Kirito alive, even though he saw him get crushed a mere universe ago.

"Izzy, the fuck are you doing? Ask a question!" Carrie nudged him, unsure as to why he was so hesitant. Nothing was out of the ordinary here, other than anime being real. But as Purps said, this new universe will be WEIRD.

"Uhh, right, yeah. Um, sooooo, what you guys fighitng aboot?" Izzy asked, scratching the back of his head awkward;y.

"Nothing. Just about how OUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM! And this was to be a getaway, too!" Kirito shouted in anger.

"Oh, pipe the fuck down, it's too early for this shit. Look, you're here about the stiff in the den, yeah? Honestly, we don't know anything about him. Hell, he just kinda… appeared, right as we went to, well, try and consumate 'our' love. And we've been up here ever since then. I've even got it on camera, since we were, well, you know…" Asuna pointed to the camera int eh cormer of teg rom.

"Ah, well, I'll just take that in fro… polive analizing. I mean, if it is what you say it is, I'm the best you could hope to have look at is. You can't spell 'sex' without Fookin' X!" X gloated as he went over to get the tape, while Izzy and Carrie whispered to each other.

"How is he alive? Didn't he get crushed before Shrek ate the universe?" Izzy asked quietly as he huddled up like a football huddle with Carrie.

"You been smoking, bro? You holding out on me? I'll fight you for it, cuz that sounds like some good shit there" Carrie replied, wanting in on whatever was making Izzy see crazy things like Kirito getting crushed.

"What? No, I, fucking hell, Carrie, this is serious! I mean, look at him, you mean you can-!" Izzy went to point at Kirito, but he wasn't where he last saw him. Instead, he was on the groudn, looking like a mummie, all dried out and rinkly. Asuna had been helping X with the tape, so there was no one else to have keeled him.

"Alright, everyone out, now! This is kinda deja vu, but not really exactly" Izzy commanded as he pushed everyone out of the room.

"Kirito died? Serves him right, not wanting to prove he loves me and make me a main character. Alright, I'll be in the spare bedroom if you need me. Later, bitches" Asuna then saunterd off to the otehr bedrum, and shut the door behind her.

"Well… let's go see if the others have gotten any luck" Carrie led the way to where Mack and Anthony had been going, only to find them in the hallway, staring at a map.

"What the heck are you doing? " Izzy asked, a bit angry at them.

"Looking to see if this place ahs an arcade, I could really go for some pucman right now" Mack answered.

"LATER, we'll play that LATER! For now, we got TWO murders to solve. Kirito was killed just a second ago. From SAO. That seem odd to you?" Izzy asked Mack.

"Not really, I mean, it was well known that he's been wanted by the mob for stealing laundered XP for some time now. I'm more surprised it took them this long to hit him. So, what about his widow?" Mack asked as they made their way to the other suspect's room.

"In the spare bedroom. And REALLY? No one here remembers him getting crushed in Boston?! Just… what the fuck ever" Izzy resigned as they reached the room. Inside, there was a man in boxers standing next to a woman in a thick fur coat and ushanka, who was having nosebled.

"Juvia thinks that Gray is fantastic! But… Juvia doesn't want babbies, Juvia wants Gray all to herself!" Juvia stared at Gray's toned, nearly nude bod before he spoke to the group.

"What do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to get a babby going on here? I'm a god-fearing catholic, I don't believe in condoms, they don't exist in the eyes of the lord" Gray mixed his greeting and rebuttal to Juvia in one sentence, to which Juvia ran out in an angry huff.

"So… marital issues?"Anthony asked.

"Yeah. I want a real kid, not one made of ice. But you're probably here for something important. Something go on? I've been trying to convince her to open her pod bay doors for babby making since last night, so I'm out of the know" Gray asked, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion.

"Yeah, there was a murder downstars, and one down in the wing opposite this one. Know about either?" Mack asked.

"Nope. If I did, I'd have used magic to figure this all out, either by stopping the killer, or freezing all the evidence in place" he demonstrated by freezing a vase in a block of lice.

"Cool" Carrie said in amazement.

"Fuck off, I've heard that a billion times, and it's never once been funny. Can I get some sleep now?" Gray asked before the group left the room, and snoring could immediately be heard coming from the room.

"Well, now what? Find Juvia and ask her about what she knows?" Anthony asked, and everyone agreed that it was probably better doing nothing.

After a good hour of lookign for her, they came up with nothing. How odd…

"Well, why don't we see if Asuna found her, or maybe Asuna is the killer. Either way, if we don't find her soon, I'll just guess by randomly presenting evidence to a judge" Carrie sighed, and X jumped in.

"Yeah, like you're a FOOKIN' Ace Attorney or somehting, right?!" X laughed boistrously. The gang then made their way to the spare bedroom, and slammed the door open. Inside was quite a sight to behold. Clothes were all over the floor, on the furniture, and on the bed were a butt naked Asuna and Juvia. Asuna was on all fours as Juvia fucked her in the ass with a strap on, and kept going even after seeing the others enter the room.

"Cheating on your husband, huh?" X asked, his index finger stroking his chin at the discovery.

"No! Asuna was just showing Juvia a way to have sex with Gray without making babbies, all because Gray doesn't believe in condoms!" Juvia explained as she smacked her hips against Asuna's rear.

"Well… I'd like to let you know that, unlike wherever you're from, you can't buttfuck unless you're in love. So unless you are, I'm going to have to take you in" X prepared his cuffs.

"Have you seen her curves!? I'm in love with her already, is that good enough?!" Asuna asked as she pointed out Juvia's luciuous curves.

"I mean, I think we ALL are in lvoe with those curves, right guys?" Carrie slapped everyone on the back, and then everyone nodded.

"Good enough for me, then. So, Juvia, you were fighting with Gray about babbies, yes?" X inquired as the lesbian fuckinge went on.

"Yes, which is why Asuna is showing Juvia how to fuck Gray without getting infected with babbies!" Juvia said as Asuna started cumming. And because it was two girls having sex, she came rainbows bacause it was LGBT sex and not hetero sex and everyone knows that when homosecuals cum they cum rainbows colored.

"Well then, I think we'll leave you ladies to it…" Izzy then shut the door. "Man, Asuna's a whore, fucking the first person she can after her husbando dies, huh?"

"Yeah, but it's Juvia. I'm sure we'd ALL do that if we could" Anthony reasoned before everyone went back to the den.

"Well, what do we know? It wasn't Gray or Juvia or Asuna, and Kirito's dead. So it has to be the butler!" Mack exclaimed excitedly.

"No, it couldn't be. Because I'm not a butler, I'm actually a hologram, I can't actually touch anything. See?" The butler then stuck his hand into a wall, leaving no damage.

"Well, shit. Okay, ti9me to put my detevtice skills to the test! Okay, okay, I KNO!" Carrie screamed! "IT WAS… IT WAS… VAMPIRES! THERE, CASE CLOSED!"

Just then, Dracula and his cousin, Blackula, appeared in a puff of bat-smoke.

"CURSES, HOW DID YOU KNOW, BLEH?!" Dracula shook his fist in anger.

"Simple, ofcourse. Only a vampire would have a gun sharp enough to stab through Buddy's adamantium skeleton, and only a vampire would be able to suck all the blood from a person's body!" Mack explained smugly.

"Actually, that's just a myth. Blackula doesn't suck blood, he scrapes and licks" Blackula then motioned wiht his tongue to show that he licks up blood.

"Oh, then how did htat happen then?" Izzy asked, perplexed.

"Um… well…" Dracula spoke up. "I saw the guy had a raging, two foot boner, so I asked if he wanted me to suck him off, and I did. I may have gone a bit overboard, but hey, it was the best nut of his life, I'm sure!" Dracula explained, and then everyone had a hearty laugh as the murder was solved, and the camera slowly zoomed out.

"THE FOOK ARE YA DOING, MATE?! THIS AIN'T A SITCOM, YA WANKER! Imma send these guys to prison, they're gonna get right fucked now, y'know that? Anyways, coppers'll be here in ten, I've got to go, got things to do" Detective X then lifted his leg and let out a colossal fart, and it propelled him up through the air, crashing through the ceiling, and in an arc over to Buckingham Palace, where he crash landed on top of the queen, who then grabbed him and German Suplexed him all the way to Khazakstan.

"Well, that… I mean, the fuck?! THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE! HOW THE FUCK DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!" Izzy shouted in anger from his utter bewildered confusion.

"He used his flatulence to jet-propel himself through the air, duh. Keep up with these things, Izzy, jeez" Carrie rolled her eyes at having to explain something so basic to Izzy.

"Well, we lost Buddy. I wonder how Eagle and Logan and Purps are doing, wherever tehy are." Mack mused to himself as a generic fade away started up.

 **MEANWHILE, WHEREVER EAGLE, LOGAN, AND PURPS ARE…!**

"Whaddya mean I can't keep my dress when I transform?! The enemy wouldn't dare hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress!" Eagle shouted in anguish as the giant radioactive crabcakes moved in.


	4. Chapter 4: GO GO TALENT TROOPERS!

Chapter 4: GO GO TALENT TROOPERS!

Eagle woke up in an unknown land, with Logan already up and looking off into the distance.

"What's going on? Where's Purps? And- *AUDIBLE GASP!*" Eagle looked down and saw Purps was knocked out beneath him. "MY DRESS! It's… it's dirty, and it's torn, and… NOOOOOOO!"

"Logan looks over to Eagle, ready to help him. Well, there's one bit of good news. I've found another dress. And it's just your size, according to my measurements. Logan said as he help up a dazzling golden dress, which Eagle snatched up and put on immediately."

"Well, that's much better. A man isn't a man if his dress is less than the best! Purps, you OK man?" Eagle asked his unconcious friend, who was actuall awake.

"Yes. I've been looking at this tiny map for the past hour, while you got your beauty sleep. From the looks of it, we're in Beijing, Japan. Does anyone here speak Korean? Or am I going to be the translator for us?" Purps explained expertyl as he got up anmd surveyed the area. "Looks like we're in the fields of Beijing, based off the lack of smog. Wait, what's that in the distance?" Purps squinted to see what was rolling in the distance.

Off in the distance, small glowing balls rolled towards the three abridgers. But they quickly grew larger, until they were only a mile away.

"Oh shit, giant radioactive crabcakes! I've seen these before at the nuclear plant! We gotta run, FAST!" Purps shouted as he started springing away from the monstrous seafood biscuits. Eagle and Logan were right behind him, but Eagle's chariot was no where to be found!

"Logan quickly caught up to everyone and kept a steady pace as he fumbled in his pockets. He then pulled out three sticks of gum, one red, one blue, one polka dotted. He then passed the red to Eagle, and the polka dotted one to Purps. Quick, chew these, and then swallow them! Trust me, these may just save our skins!"

"Wait, where the fuck did you get tehse from?! How will they help us?! Why DO kids love cinnamon toast crunch?!" Eagle shouted as he fumbled to unwrap the stick of gum.

"Logan quickly popped his blue gum into his mouth and chewed with the ferocity of one bajillion buffalo, then started to explain via flashback. Things crossfaded to a splashscreen where it said 'four hours earlier' to show when this took place.

Logan woke up and saw his cohorts were sleeping in a field, when all of the sudden, an earthquake shook him until he was standing upright. Behind him, he had seen that there was a relatively large crater that was very fresh. In the middle, Bear Grylls stood, smoke wafting from his body.

Bear Grylls! What are you doing here? Did you feel that earthquake?! Logan asked him as he ran down to meet the piss drinking British weirdo.

"Feel that earthquake? No, I CAUSED that earthquake. How do you think I constantly find myself in the middle of goddamned nowhere with nothing but my wits, my army skill, and a fully functional camera crew and trailer with a shower? I'm send to my locations via orbital strike, for pinpoint accuracy as to what dangerous hell I'll be living in for the next show" Bear Grylls said as he dusted off his trousers.

Ah, that makes sense, otherwise you could be an entire coordinate off from where your producers say you are. But hwy here? It's not looking too dangerous. Logan commented as he looked around at the otherwise peaceful countryside with its waving wheat in the wind.

"Well, it's not, truist me. And, well, I've got a show to do, so if you want more information, make sure you tune in necxt week tto see why is't so dangerous. Anyways, since I've got your ear, I need you to do me a favor. I was approached by some blue headed alien, who wanted me to give these to some teenagers with an attitude issue, apprently it's to save the world, or new jersy. I'm a TV star who has enough piss to drink, I don't do petty delivery jobs. So it's your job now. And I'd do it, I don't trust aliens in the slightest" Bear Grylls then gave Logan three sitcks of gum.

Ummm… okay then. Why dopn't you trust aliens? Is it because they could destroy us whenever they want to, but haven't yet becayse we amuse them somehow? Logan asked the star.

"No, it's because of what they do. I know for certain that aliens will knock people out to abduct them for their intergalactic orgies, and that's something I cannot stand for!" Bear Gyrlls then ran off to meet up with his crew.

Huh, that was interesting. I wonder what this gum does… Logan thought to himself as the screen crossfades back to the present, where everyone was chewing their pieces of gum.

So while we're not teenagers with an attitude issue, I think we may be able to cut it. I mean, were the power rangers teenagers? No, they were played by a byunch of 20 something year olds! Logan exclaimed as he swallowed his gum, and started glowing blue, while Eagle started glowign red, and Purps started glowing plaid."

As soon as the glowing started, it stopped, just in time for the titular opening that is definitely not ripped off.

 _GO GO TALENT TROOPERS!_

In a flash, Purps and Logan were in their trooper outfits: spandex bodysuits with a bicycle helmet of their color. Purps was in a suit that was constantly changing colors, and Logan was wearing a blue suit with matching helmet. However, Eagle was still in his regular sexy attire.

"Whaddya mean I can't keep my dress when I transform?! The enemy wouldn't dare hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress!" Eagle shouted in anguish as the giant radioactive crabcakes moved in.

Just then, the crabcakes dared to hit a gorgeous man in a sparkling dress.

"Grah! Have you considered fucking off?!" Eagle shouted in frustration as he took the dress off, only to immediatley transform like the others did. His suit was solid gold. Not even spandex, but just gold. But he couls stull move in it like it wasn't gold!

"Okay, time to beat these cakes back to the oven!" Eagle said, making a… a pun? Mayube? Wahtever, he ran in and just punched the crabcake in the face, followed by the blue blir and the multicolored maniac.

"Logan's face turned to one of rage as he want to shout at the cakes. NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! He screamed as he kicked the crabcake in its shins, then Purps followed up by clotheslining the fuker."

The battle was in tents, with all sorts of bad jokes and cut abridging content being used to pad out the runtime, until the crabcakes ran away, swearing to defeat the Super Shifting Talent Troopers!

"We did it guys!" Purps then gave everyone a hug. But the cedlebration was cut shotr as a blue alien approached the trio.

"You cicksuckers aren't teenagers with attitude! Give me my motehrfucking gum back, and I won't probe uranus!" it demanded as the gum tthey had swallowed flew out of tehir belly byttons and back into the hand of the alienn. Immediately after, the three amigos turned back to their base forms.

"You can keep that shit, if I can't wear a dress AND transform, then it's not worht having!" Eagle then flipped off the alien, who then ran away crying like a little bitch.

"Logan then looks up to the Tim Currie in the sky, and sees that it's getting late. We should probably get going, we still need to fing the outhrers, so we can fix the world. I mean, I've still gotta upload my mext Bleach Abridgred otherwise I'll riusk becoming just another abridger with a once-a-wuarter release schedule! Logan said inspiringly as he ran off into the distance, before the shot froze like the end of a generic 80s sitcom."


	5. Chapter 5: The Quest for the Plot!

Chapter 5: The Quest for the Plot!

Carrie, Izzy, Mack, Anthony, Buddy's corpse.

After having solved the murders of the Mystery Manor Manor, half of our brave heros left the manor after a very, VERY exquisite breakfast at 4:30pm.

"Well, Buddy died. And that sucks. But on the bright side, Buddy died, and we can spend all of his money on beer! Isn't that right, Buddy?!" Mack asked Buddy's corpse (which still had the gun imbedded in his chest), and he made it nod 'yes' with his hand.

"Mack!" Carrie yelled at him. "We CAN'T 'Weekend at Bernies' this shit with Buddy!" Carrie shouted loudly.

"Thank FUCK that someone has their marbles in a bag!" Izzy shout-sighed in relief.

"I mean, he's poor as BALLS, how are we supposed to buy ANYTHING with his money?!" Carrie finished her reasoning, resulting in a facepalm from IZzy, and Anthony facepalmed a good five seconds after Izzy did, then spoke up.

"ANYWAYS, while you deface the body of our fallen friend, I've been plotting a corse for us to follow. If I read this map right, we're in Britain. I think. We should ask at the next town we reach, which should be pretty soon, so long as we don't get distracrted by any ghosts or anything" Anthony pointed to the map, to a town named "Glasgofuckyourself".

With their destination marked, the crew set off, having to deal with really bad, but accurate, Buddy impressions from Mack on the way, they finally arrived in the fabled town of Glasgofuckyourself. The Tim Curry had long since set, and was replaced with the moon from Soul Eater (you know, the one with the creepy ass smile and the blood dripping from its mouth? Yeah, that nightmare fuel).

Immediately upon entering the town, a large man in a kilt approached them, and spoke to Buddy's corpse.

"Yah, hyragh flargsha bargsha, kougga jogga malowgga. Baaaa?" he spoke in a thik, indistinguishable accent, leaving everyone confused. Everyone… except Carrie. Carrie then spoke up to respond to the man.

"Looogha broogha voogha, nooma numa a, hagabraga sakaflaka breen" Carrie experrtly responded in her natural irish accent. The man then laughed and moved aside, allowing the party of abridgeres (and corpse) to enter the town.

"Carrie, what the fick just happened?" Izzy inquired, more confused than he's ever been.

"Oh, that's the mayor, Haaaaaangus McGlasgofuckyourself-intyarse. He runs this city, capital of Ireland. He was asking about Buddy, and I just said he was our dummy for ventriloquism. So we're cool" Carrie nonchalantely smacked Buddy upside the head like he was a wooden dummy.

"Okay, one, that's HORRIBLE of you, you stone clod bitch. And two, how the FUCK did you understand a single goddam thing he said?" Athony asked, dumbfounded.

"Ummm… It's pretty obvious, duh. I'm FROM Ireland. I thought you knew that from all the time we went kilt shopping and ate haggis. You big fucking dummy" Carrie replied in a cute voice, because why not. And just as she said that, a rather spooooooooooooopy voice echoed throughout the strets. Oddly enough, it was to the tune of "Elmo's World".

"Da-na-da-na, da-na-da-na, what a bitch… Da-na-da-na, da-na-da-na, she's a bitch… she rolls them nat 1's, and then blaaaames meeeeeeeee… Soooo, she's a biiiiiiiiitch…" the scary voice got closer as a glowing apparition of a person approached the party. But then, Izzy realized what it was.

"Uhhhh, guys? Is that what I think it is?" Izzy stared at the encroaching spoop, watching it gain more detail, like a testure foing from low poly to high poly. Until…

"Goooooood GOD, Carrie! While you were taking a nap outside that crack mansion, I was getting stabbed. With a fucking pistol! I mean, how the FUCK did that happen, amiright?" the spector revealed himself to be none other than… BUDDYVA! In the not so flesh!

"Buddy! You'er a gost! Did you meet jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus?" Mack asked the big question as he tossed Buddy's old body to teh side, and it rolled down a hill, into a river, down a waterfall, into a volcaon, onto a rocket ship, and into the sun, in a spectacular show of fireowrks.

"No, I didn't meet him! But I did go to some place with a lot more fire and brimstone, if you know what I mean" Buddy bitterly retorted.

"Oh, so you were in a sauna?" Anthony asked, and Buddy shook his head.

"Not exactly. Anyways, why the hell are we in the middle of Buttfuck, Ireland?" Buddy asked, and Carrie corrected him immediately.

"ACTUALLY, Buttfuck is in Wales, Buddy! GAWD, you're SO geographically illiterate! Even some random joe schmoe knows thtat, like that dumbass over there!" Carrie pointed to a man in a _keeeeeeeewl_ black coat that was approaching the town.

"Wait, what's a Whales?" the anm asked, before revealing himself to be none other than… KIRITO, FRoM SAO ONLINE! "Is taht a super rare monester drop, or a boiss?"

"No, it's part of France. You know, in central Africa?" Mack expertly explained expertly to the generic anime protaganist.

"Is that part of the DLC that I got for free backuse I'm a beater?" inquired the raven-haired man. Except it wasn't a description of his hair's color, his hair actually just became ravens after he was hit with a magic spell from stage right.

"Does DLC turn your hair into birds? If so, then ues" Anthony pointed to the disgruntled birds as they started flapping their wings wildly.

"OH SWEET BUDDHA NOOOOOO! I'M ALLERGIC TO THE BIRDS!" Kirito shouted in agony as they pecked his eyes out.

"Fuck off, The Birds was one of Hitchcock's best films. Dcik" Buddy flipped Kirito the bird, which was fitting given the circumstances and conversation. Kirito then exploded from his bird allergies.

"Well fuck, I just killed a man. And he wasn't even kind enough to leace a nice blanket for me to use, you know, like a REAL ghost" Buddy complained before Haaaaaaaaangus McGlasgofuckyourself-intyarse ran up to them, looking furious.

"Jarge Large Targe, yinga dinga durgen, oppa gungam stile, carrameldansen!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaangus screamed indignantly.

"Well, fuck. It looks like Glasgofuckyourself doesn't take toop kindly to ghosts murdering people. So we're being kicked out. But, the good news is, Austria is only a day away if we were to crabwalk!" Carrie relayed the information to the non-irsih group, then started crabwalking away, towards Austria.

"Am I on the drugs? I'm pretty sure I've been given the drugs at some point" Izzy groaned as he, too, started crabwalking to Austria.


	6. Chapter 6: Santa Vs the Communists

Chapter 6: Santa V.S the Communists

After having spent esrteval days walking atrhough Beijing, Logan, Purps, and Eagle found themselves in a cold and snowy wasteland.

"GUYS! I know where we are! Logan exclaimed, pointing his index fignger to the sky for emnphasis. We're in Canada, odf course! In the shield region, I can tell from that Tim Horton's in the distance! Logan then pointed to a very distant building with a red roof."

"I don't know, Logan, there doens't seem to be enough maple trees around for that to be the case. Maybe we're in Hell" Purps spoke up, but was suddenly interrupted by Coffinjockey arising from a large drift of snow like he was dracula rising from his coffin… jokey.

"Actually, given the sheer miracle that we're not freezingf to death, I'm sure we're in a more magical place than Hell, Michigan. Which should be frozen over about now. No, I think that building there isn't a Tim Hotrons, no..I think it's Satan's worksop!?" Coffin then pointed to the large pole nearby that said 'Welcome to the North Pole'. But underneath it, there was a Hammer and Sickle painted on the sighn.

"Oh goody, I love santa! I mean… I LOVE santa" Eagle said excitedly, then intimidatingly, before running foff to the workshop, Coffin and the others following eagerly, since they have all been very good boys this year. Or at least they've been better than a collective average, which is go0od enough in their books!

BUTT! Ass the group grew closer to the magical weorkshop, they noticed something was off. Outside, there were several ushanka wearing humanoid robots, with large red stars emblazoned on them, and a large hammer and sickle stamped on their chests. And over Santa's loudspeaker, instead of the ussual threats of violence he used to keep his elves in line from revolting against him, the Soviet Union's national anthom was BLARING so loudly, that the toy guns that were coming from the workshop turned into Mosin Nagants and AK47s upon hearing the music.

Coffinjockey was the first to break silence between the four compatriots, even though there was no silence with the excellent anthem playing/

"Um, guys, I think Santa's secretly a communist. I mean, it makes wears red, gives gifts to those he deems worthy, or EQUAL, and he wanted rudpolph to lead his slay because of his red nose. And why was his nose red, you ask? Because Rudolph is a working class proletariat who had enough with the bourgeois taunting him for his lack of money and power. And as such, he his nose became a beacon for the revolution! FACE IT GUYS, SANTA'S A COMMUNIST!" Coffin screamed in disbelief befoe hearing a whisper come from a barred window in Santa's house. And they saw none other than the communist elf himself, Santa!

"Psst, I'm not a communist! I just really, REALLY like red wine. And I'm a clutzy drunk. But anyways, get me out of here! These communists are trying to redistribute my wealth to all the POOR people in the world. And boy, do I have a LOT of fucking wealth, how the shit do you think I manage to get enough gifts for everyone I deem worthy?!"

"Hmmm… I think we can do that… Logan tapped his chin as he thought for a moment. BUT, only if you give us our presents after we free you! Logan laid his deal out on the metaphorical table."

"Deal! Now, you're going to need something to fight off these damned dirty reds with! Here, take this!" Santa then tossed everyone their own M1 Garand, complete with obscenely extended magazines. On the rifles, there was a carving of a bald eagle stabbing the american flag through a nazi's head, while shitting bombs on terrorists. On the butt of the gun, there was a small stamp of the Mcdonald's M.

"Thanks, Satan! With these all-american weapons, we'll be sure to defeat these damn dirty commies!" Purps said with glee as he ran in, screaming like Elvis, and started shooting the communist robots in their weak point: their heds.

"I mean, I'm not an american, but I DO have to admire a fiiiiiiiiiiiine weapon like this! Logan stroked the gun tenderly before raising it up in the air with both hands. OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOO! Logan then did Spongebob's victory screech before joining in the fray, showing that even robot communists bleed red, the worst kind of blood."

Eagle then spoke up to santa. "Well Saint Nick, you know what they say. Easy Communist, easy Go-unist!" Eagle then did a full sprint in his dress and stabbed a communist robot to death with his rifle's bayonet, dirty commie blood oil spraying everywhere.

Coffin, however, didn't just leave Santa hanging to dry. Instead, he shot the bars off the window, and tossed Santa a belt of hand grenades.

"Here you go, Santa. Go teach those revolting elves what's what. Make them regret embracing Stalin as their one true god!" Coffin nodded to the grenades. Santa's eyes just lit up at the idea.

"Well, Santa's not used to getting presents on Christmas. But this is a really fucking good one. You're now a permanant member of the "good" list, Coffin!" Santa then disappeared into his house, an explosin sounding off, followed by hundreeds of tiny, communist elf death throes.

"POW POW POW PKOW PKOW PKOW BRAPPA BRAPPA BRAPPA BRAPPA! Logan made gun noises as he finished killing the last of the robo-commies outside."

"Well, that takes care of that. Let's go help Santa clean up thge inside, guys!" Eagle kicked down the door to Santa's house like a BAMF, but gasped at the sight he was seeing with his eyes. Inside, there were THOUSANDS of dead elves, many missing their limbs from grenade bangs. But there was one still standing. And oddly enough, he was tall. Like, people tall. And I mean REAL people, not any of that fake people bullshit. You know what I mean, and I know you know that I'm right.

Santa was facing off against this large elf in single combat in a katana duel. Swords were clanging as each fighter prarried each otehrs bowels, neither giving up an inch.

"Santa! You tried to kick me out of the north pole! Well, I'm back for revenege, and my REAL dad taught me how to fight like that lady from Kill Bill!" the elf tuanted by flourishing the sword in a flashy manner, like that guy did in Indiana Jones and the Lost Arc of the Coverants.

"Buddy, you crazy communist bastard! I ki8cked you out because you wanted to star in a WIll Ferral movie about you! And you wanted to spread your despicable message! I'm going to kill you now, and end this rebellion before if gets more out of hand!" Santa rebuttles before going in for another attack.

"Wait, Buddy?! As in, Buddy from Elf?! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!" Purps shouted excitedly.

"Why, yes, yes I am that Buddy!" Buddy turned to face his adoring fans. But just then, Santa cut the motherfucker in half down the middle, then proceeded to slash at him a bajrillionty times, then as he put the katana back in its holder, Buddy fell apart into even MORE tiny partivels the small size of a small grain of sand. And with that, the battle for the North Pole was over.

"Well, kids, you saved my ass back there. Too bad Mrs. Claws couldn't be here for this, but I'm sure she's having fun in Vegas. Anywasy, your gifts! Here, let me give them to you" Santa said as the guns in their hands flew together and glowed brightly, transporting our heros to where they wanted to go...


End file.
